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Hey its me. But this time this is the real me. As you know my name is Abrar Brata Jaya, i was came out at my mom vagina on friday, 11th June 1993 and i think thats the only thing that i got closed to a vagina for first and the last time.
As a child i grow up feeling kinda different, i always know deep down inside me i have something that needs to be figure. When i was a kid i always been told that "im more feminine". Even my mom said that, it happen when i was 9 years old i was going to the mall with my mom and my two other siblings. When i was a child im really an active kid i cant stop running around, and then probably my mom see everyone strating to notice me cause i walk and move like a girl and then my mom said to me to straight my chest and walk properly like a boy and i really confused at that time i dont even know what that means, and after that im strating to look other kids how they walk normally which is really odd. I just move naturally and thats something that you cant control. It hurts me a little everytime i remember that.
At primary school, you can say i was a little invisible. Im the kid that never been great in every class. I was weak and really tiny. Im the kid that never been picked in a sport team, even tho i got picked, i ended up sitting in the outside of field with the coach watching them play. I think this is why probably my brain doesn't fully improved when i was a child because i got pushed away in every class and not contributing at every situation. Im really insecure when i was a kid cause everyone controlled me, i have to think before i make a move so people didn't notice something odd about me and this is probably how i got my anxiety cause i think what other people think before i do something.
I grew up to be someone srange that i couldn't even recognize. I grew up pretending to be normal all the time but at night i have to rethink of what im doing for the rest of the day. But for how long? Im kinda tired to pretending all the time. Im 25 now. Should i keep pretending to the next 25 more years from now. Well at least im not pretending anymore in here. I am now accepting who i am for the last two years and look how ive become, but my past still haunt me sometime. I just want to be accepted probably, cause i don't really know whats the point of this.
Like every wise people said, what happened in the past stay in the past. It happens, and im glad it did because it makes me. Im now living my life peacefully and im still figuring some pieces of myself, the real one, im trying not to pretend too much. I want everyone to look at myself and accept the way i am so let me reintroduce myself. Im Abrar Brata Jaya, im 25 years old and im gay.
As a child i grow up feeling kinda different, i always know deep down inside me i have something that needs to be figure. When i was a kid i always been told that "im more feminine". Even my mom said that, it happen when i was 9 years old i was going to the mall with my mom and my two other siblings. When i was a child im really an active kid i cant stop running around, and then probably my mom see everyone strating to notice me cause i walk and move like a girl and then my mom said to me to straight my chest and walk properly like a boy and i really confused at that time i dont even know what that means, and after that im strating to look other kids how they walk normally which is really odd. I just move naturally and thats something that you cant control. It hurts me a little everytime i remember that.
At primary school, you can say i was a little invisible. Im the kid that never been great in every class. I was weak and really tiny. Im the kid that never been picked in a sport team, even tho i got picked, i ended up sitting in the outside of field with the coach watching them play. I think this is why probably my brain doesn't fully improved when i was a child because i got pushed away in every class and not contributing at every situation. Im really insecure when i was a kid cause everyone controlled me, i have to think before i make a move so people didn't notice something odd about me and this is probably how i got my anxiety cause i think what other people think before i do something.
I grew up to be someone srange that i couldn't even recognize. I grew up pretending to be normal all the time but at night i have to rethink of what im doing for the rest of the day. But for how long? Im kinda tired to pretending all the time. Im 25 now. Should i keep pretending to the next 25 more years from now. Well at least im not pretending anymore in here. I am now accepting who i am for the last two years and look how ive become, but my past still haunt me sometime. I just want to be accepted probably, cause i don't really know whats the point of this.
Like every wise people said, what happened in the past stay in the past. It happens, and im glad it did because it makes me. Im now living my life peacefully and im still figuring some pieces of myself, the real one, im trying not to pretend too much. I want everyone to look at myself and accept the way i am so let me reintroduce myself. Im Abrar Brata Jaya, im 25 years old and im gay.
