I always coming back here when i was in a bad situation, this blog is kind of my escaping place, and i dont mind about it.

Hey its me. But this time this is the real me. As you know my name is Abrar Brata Jaya, i was came out at my mom vagina on friday, 11th June 1993 and i think thats the only thing that i got closed to a vagina for first and the last time.

As a child i grow up feeling kinda different, i always know deep down inside me i have something that needs to be figure. When i was a kid i always been told that "im more feminine". Even my mom said that, it happen when i was 9 years old i was going to the mall with my mom and my two other siblings. When i was a child im really an active kid i cant stop running around, and then probably my mom see everyone strating to notice me cause i walk and move like a girl and then my mom said to me to straight my chest and walk properly like a boy and i really confused at that time i dont even know what that means, and after that im strating to look other kids how they walk normally which is really odd. I just move naturally and thats something that you cant control. It hurts me a little everytime i remember that.

At primary school, you can say i was a little invisible. Im the kid that never been great in every class. I was weak and really tiny. Im the kid that never been picked in a sport team, even tho i got picked, i ended up sitting in the outside of field with the coach watching them play. I think this is why probably my brain doesn't fully improved when i was a child because i got pushed away in every class and not contributing at every situation. Im really insecure when i was a kid cause everyone controlled me, i have to think before i make a move so people didn't notice something odd about me and this is probably how i got my anxiety cause i think what other people think before i do something.

I grew up to be someone srange that i couldn't even recognize. I grew up pretending to be normal all the time but at night i have to rethink of what im doing for the rest of the day. But for how long? Im kinda tired to pretending all the time. Im 25 now. Should i keep pretending to the next 25 more years from now. Well at least im not pretending anymore in here. I am now accepting who i am for the last two years and look how ive become, but my past still haunt me sometime. I just want to be accepted probably, cause i don't really know whats the point of this.

Like every wise people said, what happened in the past stay in the past. It happens, and im glad it did because it makes me. Im now living my life peacefully and im still figuring some pieces of myself, the real one, im trying not to pretend too much. I want everyone to look at myself and accept the way i am so let me reintroduce myself. Im Abrar Brata Jaya, im 25 years old and im gay.

Hola amigos! New year new me. or probably not. Since we talk before, i mean from the previous post, i sort of made a promises (to myself) to keep posting tentang apa yang terjadi di hidup saya for the past six months. Cape juga ye ngetik pake bahasa inggris. Tapi dipostingan ini saya akan memulai dari bulan Juni, cause ya know, it's the month of my birthday and i have a lot stories on that month. So cuss...

Juni : As you know (or you just don't, like who cares? Right?) this is the month of my birthday,
and this is what happened.

.....

And that the end of my draft, hahahah i cant believe i didnt write my story for almost two years.

Well since i don't know where to start,  i just want to explain a few big moments of my life since 2016. So apparently if u see my last post about the mahar thing that i made on may 2016 well it grows. I made almost a thousand pop up since then. Its been two years, i dont really expect that to happen, this is my daily job now, i make so much money on here, i can buy what i need because my first job doesn't pay me well. Yeah i never thought that too. I also got another job at the end of 2016 until February 2017, its a so so job but the money was good, but sadly it has to end because its not a well prepared job, the system is awful, my bos is really a nice person but he kinda suck at his job so the company has to go down.

Since 2016 ive been dating in 2017 again with someone but ended up tragically kayak di FTV FTV, cause apparently i date a player, i mean i should see that coming, he has a lot of followers, he got a thousand dm per day, and the worst is i finally got him cheating on me with the person i know the day after his fucking birthday. we don't know that we date the same guy. It happens two weeks after i start dating him. Its not a long relationship, i dated him for solid two months. But not like any relationship that i had before, he gave me the experience that i never have. He is a sweet guy, he also romantic but he doing it too to other people. So thats what hurt me, huhuhu im not the only one apparently, poor me. But ive been doing so much great to leave that feelings behind at the beginning of 2018. I make a resolution to not to date anyone this year and thats what im doing now, i just want to see myself focusing to myself only and a little bit of my surroundings this year.

For the past two years ive been changed so much, im pretty sure become more me than before, i was not comfortable talking about myself since i write a post here, im becoming more true about myself and it was a great and a joy feelings not to tied up with anything. Just me. And no judgement from me, cause i judge myself too much in the past. I should be more let loose about everything to see myself and my mind to grow, i don't need to be afraid to try something new and learn a new experience so yeah its been a great years since i left here.

So thats the end of this story, im ready to see what happen in the next more years and to see myself becomings.

A little kiss from me. Be positive and keep doing you. Bye! 💋